Eternity

I have a love/hate relationship with being a mother.  It is the best, most wonderful gift God has ever given me.  The fact that it is so wonderful, however, means that there are many difficult things that come with the package.  Nothing wonderful ever comes easy.  One of the hardest parts of it all is to keep focused on the end goal.  What is the end goal?

For my children to love and serve the Lord with all their hearts so that we can all be united for eternity.

This is why parenting is so difficult.  The goal is forgotten quite frequently a midst the daily grind of temper tantrums, runny noses, nap-time battles, and poop.  Lots of poop.  That, and the goal is difficult to fulfill ourselves…there are days that, let’s face it, I don’t even want to be a servant.  I’m too selfish to want to be a servant all the time.

So, God gives us children to help us re-focus ourselves on the ultimate goal, to help us remember what really is important in life, and to sanctify us.  Because, really, even with all this in mind it doesn’t make it any easier, so we must lift up the parts that are really hard and pray they draw us ever closer to the heart of our Savior.

With much prayer and reflection, maybe one day we will attain sainthood along with our children and bring others along with us.  Maybe one day the goal won’t be a back-burner after thought, but a second nature habit we will live by.

Mother Mary, pray for us that we can know your Son’s heart the way you do so we can spread His joy and love throughout the earth.  Pray that we become holy mothers as you are so that we too can be united with our children for eternity.

Life Happens

It has been one heck of a two weeks here at the McNutt house. I’ve just come to expect the unexpected this month. That’s all I can do. Several events have left both Wade and I in a deep funk, trying to reclaim our life goals and dreams, trying to make our way back to the lighted path in life, really just trying to be normal human beings again.

I’ll give you a brief overview,  just so that I’m not talking in code.  Wade plays music at our church 3 Masses a weekend, every other weekend.  So, Halloween weekend was an off weekend…FAMILY DAY!  We loaded up the kid and the dog and went to the pumpkin patch.  We took some cute pictures and picked some small pumpkins, met some nice people.  But most of all, we had a really nice family day.  Until we left.  As we were leaving, not even a block up the road from the farm, we were hit.  Out of nowhere.  Thank God, the three of us were okay.  Just sore for a few days.  And, really, it didn’t phase Evalyn at all.  But, Godiva jumped out of the truck and has been missing ever since.  Giant bummer. (Don’t worry, we have been on the search and several amazing people that live that way are keeping an eye out and searching, and she has been spotted a few times, giving us hope that she is still alive.)

So, recovering from the wreck is still happening.  Wade and I are both jumpy in the car.   But, because of Godiva, I have been back to the wreck site a few times and there is healing in that.  Many hours have been spent searching for a deaf white dog in cottons fields.  Yes, I know, sounds really ridiculous, it is.

And then Wade got violently ill last Friday.  And it took several days for him to recoup.  (Thank God for a fantastic mother-in-law that helped watch Evalyn so I could dog-hunt while Wade slept!)

I’m only telling you all of this so that as I reflect on where we are right now you won’t be totally in the dark.  But with all of these events (plus some that I don’t even want to get into) we are having a really difficult time re-focusing on life and jobs and ministry and dreams.

It makes me wonder what lessons we are supposed to be learning.  Here are a few that come off the top of my head.
1.  Don’t be attached to things.

Currently we have one less vehicle, a missing dog, and Ev’s Milton was chewed by a dog…(don’t worry we are getting a new one soon!)  Three things that are/were important in our lives and yet we are still surviving (even if it is more miserable some days.)
2. You can only plan so much, and then life happens and you just have to go with what it gives you.

I really like this one.  I think I like it because after about the third thing happening in a row I realized that I can do my job, and take care of my family, but the scheduling is not always mine.  Or really, ever mine…
3. No matter what, don’t lose sight of your dreams!

This morning Wade told me, “I think I’m in a funk because I’m not sure what my dreams are any more.”  I honestly think that being in a car accident and getting sick for three days has more to do with it, but he makes a good point.  When we lose sight of what our dreams are, we forget what we are working towards each day and then the work becomes pointless or mundane.   Working towards a dream makes even the crappy jobs worth it!

So, I am writing today to start working towards dreams again, to work my way out of the foggy daze and to let my soul heal itself through words.

For all of you waiting to hear pieces of my novel…it hasn’t happened yet.  A bummer, I know, but in light of recent events my time and energy has been going to other places.  Even if I don’t get to write with the NaNoWriMo crowd, I plan on setting a goal for myself when the clouds settle down around the Nutt House.  Stay tuned!

The Heart of Mary

I have found something new to put my time and attention towards.  (You know those few spare moments I can find here and there.)  So, because I am absolutely and completely insane, I have joined a huge group of absolutely and completely insane people over at NaNoWriMo.  We will all be attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days time from November 1 to November 30.  INSANE!!!  But, I am actually really really really really excited about it and I keep having to stop myself from writing (the rules state that you can’t begin until the 1st).

What is it going to be about, you ask?  Well, here goes…

I’ve always enjoyed writing thoughts down, sharing them here and there with others, and really letting my brain go into a philosophical dive from time to time.  But, every time I’ve tried to write fiction, I just can’t seem to let the characters take over to tell the story.  Lately Wade and I have been really trying to actively grow in our faith, meditating on talks and reading the Catechism and Scripture.  Through all this, an idea emerged that has completely taken over my heart and soul.  It really started when I was pregnant with Ev.

The one question I have continually asked myself has been, “I wonder if Mary went through this with Jesus.”  With everything involving motherhood I have thought this, did Mary have morning sickness?  did Mary have heartburn?  was Jesus born with hair if she did?  did Mary just want to sit in a hot bath all day to take the soreness from her back?  how did Mary sooth Jesus when he was teething?  did she have trouble nursing him at all?

I bet I think these thoughts several times a day.  And then it always leads me to reflect on Jesus’ life in a different way.  Seriously, Jesus came to us as an infant.  He had to learn to walk and talk like we did.  And eat pureed fruit for the first year of His life.

One of the speakers Wade and I enjoy a lot (Matthew Kelly) spoke about Mary and motherhood in general.  He said, “Nobody sees a child’s life like his mother.  Even his father.”  He goes on to talk about how we should all want to enter into the Heart of Mary to reflect on Jesus’ life.  Which leads me to my attempt at a novel.

I want to truly enter into the heart of Mary to reflect on Jesus’ life.  And I want to share it with whoever will join me.  Most people who participate in NaNoWriMo spend October researching and outlining their stories.  So, I have been spending my month trying to enter into Mary’s heart and soul, reading all I can and thinking about Jesus’ life from her eyes.  I hope you are as excited as I am for November to roll around to see where this meditation takes us.  But for now, I will leave you with a reflection I had the other day.  Keep in mind that it is a very rough draft and by no means a completed work.  However, I hope that it leaves you wanting more!!!

Wedding at Cana

“I know that my son’s time is drawing near.  My heart and soul can feel the times changing.  I’m not ready to give my Son to the world, but as God wills it, so it will be.  The wedding feast is next week and I am very excited for the celebration, but I am sad in seeing Jesus start His ministry.  I’m sad to see it start because I don’t want it to end.  He doesn’t quite realize that His time is drawing near, but He  soon will.  After all, He is the Son of God….”

I can’t wait to really explore these thoughts, and I hope you are ready for this journey come November!!!  I will post tidbits as I write them!!!!

GROW!

Be careful what you pray for.

Seriously.

Husband prayed last year for patience and endurance.  I know that I learned both of those through my pregnancy.  And I’m continually learning them through motherhood.

I tend to pray for growth.  He sure is growing me.  I feel stretched to the limit, for sure!  But, then as I think about it, life would be boring if we weren’t growing.  If we never had to rise up against new challenges, or take on new responsibilities.  That’s how God is growing me.  Responsibilities.  A youth group and a baby, He’s trusted me with both at the same time.  With His precious children.  He obviously thinks that I can handle it.  But it is taking some growth and stretching on my part to be able to handle all this the way He wants. 

So, the lesson I learned today, if I don’t turn to the One who has led me here, I’m going to wilt.  If I sit in His light, I will blossom and grow and the colors of my petals will be vivid and extraordinary.

Road Less Traveled

This week on Wishcasting Wednesday we are asked a seemingly simple question:


What do you wish to know?


There are so many things I wish to know.  I think the biggest one on my mind right now is how to take the high road.  How do I be the bigger person?  Because I truly wish to,  but avoidance isn’t going to do any good….  and I’m afraid if I encounter a certain person today then I will for sure not be able to take the road less traveled. So how do I handle a sticky situation with poise and grace?

I guess if we all could figure that out, the world would be a much more peaceful place to live.

The Goal of our Faith

1 Peter 1:8-9

“Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of [your] faith, the salvation of your souls.”


The goal of our faith, the salvation of our soul.

We have faith, and we believe, and there is a purpose.  It is not to throw it in others faces or to condemn.  It is not to induce judgement or to be boastful.  Our faith is not intended to give us an air of superiority.

Our faith, its sole purpose, is the salvation of our souls.  To grow closer to Christ now so that we may live with Him eternally.  So that we may love one another now so that we can soak in God’s love in Heaven.  To glorify Him in all that we do so that we may one day see first hand His amazing glory.

This is the goal:  The salvation of our souls.

Goals and Deadlines

I have learned that without specific goals I get nowhere.  Not only do I need goals, but deadlines are helpful.  I guess that’s procrastination at its finest.  So, I’m trying to set definite goals.  Like blogging every day to help my creativity flow.  So, here I am, blogging so that maybe I can let out some of the creative tension that’s starting to build up inside my soul.  I can tell this is happening because Husband has looked at me the past two nights and said, “Have you blogged lately?”  He knows it’s my creative outlet.  And he encourages it.  Makes me love him even more.

But, alas, I have drifted off topic.  Goals and deadlines.  Another goal that I am going to set for myself is that I write and article for Helium once a day.  Well, every weekday.  This way, even if they are of poor quality to begin with, they will hopefully grow as I write.  If I never feed my creativity, it will never grow…

It’s a pretty hefty goal, but I believe I can do it!

Methodical Madness

So, here I am, up bright and early for a change.  And, can I tell a secret?  I kind of like it.  It’s peaceful, tranquil, and it makes me think that I may actually have a productive day!  I laid in bed for an hour before I finally got up. All I could think about was all the projects I want to get accomplished today.  Starting with breakfast for Husband.  Of course, it’s still too early to start that, and I had an itch to write.  Just simply write.  And seeing as I can’t (or maybe don’t want to) hunt down my journal, here is where I turn.

I just caught up on the blogs that I have neglected to read due to my absence from the blogging world…  and one of my favorites was my brother’s.  I don’t know why, but it really gave me a chuckle.  Well, if you knew my brother you would understand!  And, from it sprang a fun phrase for me to meditate on….  Methodical Madness.

Methodical Madness….  I think that is the order in which God lives by.  Everything on our end seems like madness, but for Him, oh there is definitely method behind it.  Like 9 + months of pregnancy, or meeting the man you’re going to marry and then not dating for 4 years, or giving someone like me the responsibility of an entire youth program at a parish, or free will…..

The list could go on and on and on.  And as I look back on what I just wrote, a lot of them are ways in which I think God is teaching me patience.  I really wish Husband would stop praying for that.  ;)  The point (if there is one) is that what is on the outside, the nuttshell, if you will, is only harvesting something much much bigger and better, the fruit or the nutt of life…
All the things we see that we can’t find a reason to, well, it’s there, we just may never know what it is.

Hmmm  I wonder if that analogy will make any sense when I come back and read that tomorrow….

Here’s to a day filled with blessings and love.  And productivity.

Story of Humanity

It’s Wishcasting Wednesday!  I’m trying to get back in the habit of writing regularly, so I figured that even though it’s late on Wednesday, I should still participate.  And what a week to get back in the saddle.  Here is this week’s question:

What story do you wish to live or let go of?

Where does a person start with that question?  It has so many levels and depths to it, just reading the question.  And as I sit here and think about it, I don’t know which layer to reveal.  I think for tonight, both the living and the letting go take me to my ministry.  I don’t like to refer to it as a job, because it is so much more than that.  If it was only a job I would have quit a long time ago.

So the living  part…
I want to live the story of a disciple.  Maybe the story of St. Peter who was out fishing all day and caught nothing and had the guts to listen to a man who told him to cast the net on the other side.  And low and behold, he caught so many fish that his net busted.  To have that faith.  To just follow that man with no strings attached, that’s the story I want to live.  Or maybe the story of the woman, known as a sinner, who showed up and washed Jesus’ feet with her hair and perfume and didn’t care what other people thought.  She knew who she was, and she knew who Jesus was, and she acted and lived on that.  THAT is the story I want to live.  I want to live as a person of faith, as a person who continually tries to show other people the faith, as a person madly in love with my Creator, and letting that love shine.

Actually trying to live that story is another matter, but that’s where the letting go comes in.  The story I want to let go of, I want to let go of my humanity.  I want the divine to shine through.  Although impossible, that’s what I would like to let go of.  Of course, I think that’s why we even need faith.  It helps us to reconcile our humanity to the divine.  It allows us to experience the divine why we are stuck in these mortal bodies, to go beyond the realms of this world, to realize that through our humanity we get to encounter the divine.  And there, I have talked that into a complete circle.  Maybe I don’t need to let go of my humanity, but embrace it.  To love it and to acknowledge that with my humanity I get to experience the divine.

So, there’s my wish for this week.

To live the story of a broken soul slowly learning to accept my humanity to encounter my God.

Wishcasting Wednesday: SHINE

Today is Wishcasting Wednesday.  =)  A day in which a question is posed, and some days difficult to answer.  Today was one of those days.  I read the question this morning, and for some reason it took all day to figure out.  And the only answer I have is this song by DC Talk, it came on the radio today, and it is EXACTLY how I feel today:  I WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE STARS IN THE HEAVEN.


iN THE LIGHT
DC Talk


I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do

What’s going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a Savior

(chorus)
I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It’s a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, what’s going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a Savior

(repeat chorus)

Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth

Tell me, what’s going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a Savior

(repeat chorus 2x)

[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be]